www.MarkTAW.com/music/SearchfortheUltimateBand.html (printable version)

For a while now I've expressed a strong disdain for musicians and bands who are out there to "make it" and "get signed." Never send your artist out to earn a paycheck, I'd say. You have to do art for art's sake. Too many people ignore other aspects of their life while they're "making art."

I took my bass to Ritchie's for repairs, or perhaps I was building a bass from parts for him to assemble. I told him that I was looking for a band. He recommended me to someone (I forget her name). I dropped by her apartment and we jammed a bit.

She moved to New York from the Midwest to make it as an actress, but she decided it wasn't the way to go when she realized that she had to do a lot of shitty parts in plays that were produced, directed, and starred some rich kid who was only doing theater for fun. "By doing music, I can control where I play" she said. Honestly, I didn't think she had it. She was pretty, but not star quality. He songwriting was ok, but could be improved on. She had a small voice that didn't project well. She had just picked up the electric, and when she played the acoustic, she had an aura, something caught my attention. But she told me she didn't want to play acoustic because "it hurts too much, here" and she put her hand over her heart. It was that hurt, I told her, that honesty, that she should be pursuing and sharing. I didn't think she really had a chance.

Her day job was as a waitress at the Marriott or some similar hotel chain. She told me she preferred the pre-theater crowd to the evening crowd because "cocktails weigh less than beer." She was in her early thirties, and a waitress. She was going to music conventions on "how to make it in the industry" and really seemed to believe in herself.

It really broke my heart to see her. She had put the rest of her life on hold while she was pursuing a music career. What would happen to her in 5, 10, 20 years if she didn't make it? Just thinking about her now makes me sad. How fragile we all are, how sensitive, how full of pain and fear. If we're not willing to take responsibility for our lives, to face our own humanity and weakness, we're setting ourselves up for major letdowns.

The way I see it, we're all looking to become children again. To have someone take care of us so we don't have to worry about money or anything we don't want to. That's why we pursue get rich quick schemes and why we try to become rock stars, actors and actresses. The Music Industry, the whole Entertainment Industry is really some sort of surrogate parent. A mommy and daddy to take care of us while we have fun and play. It's some sort of lottery ticket, and the more we pursue that dream, the more we run away from reality, the more we're going to be let down later on when it doesn't happen.

I've been struggling for a while now with this. This weird dichotomy of wanting to do music, but not wanting to get signed. On some level I too want someone to take care of me, I want to get rich quick, and have my biggest worry be whether I'm earning 18% or 34% on my investments. Whether I should buy the Mercedes or the Volkswagen. Right now, I don't even have a car. It's a luxury I can't afford. It's a constant fight against this desire, to examine my finances with a tough eye and calculate whether I'll have enough for retirement. I'd much rather spend my money on books, music, and video games, but I have to examine my investments and expenses.

So here I am. Some sort of ultimate realist, an existentialist who believes that the meaning of life is to put meaning into your life, and I want to be in a band. Quite frankly I'm bored with everything else, reading and writing are great and I do a lot of both, but they're solitary activities, and I don't really have the discipline to complete the great American novel I always wanted to write. Besides, most of my writing comes out like this not in narrative format. Well, that is if I have nothing going on in my life, like I do now. I want to attract intelligent, talented, hard working musicians, and I don't want to get signed. It sounds very difficult, and very ego deflating. Every time you try out for someone, or have someone try out for you, you go through this mutual judgment process, and it could be the hair, the clothes, the attitude, the playing, something that doesn't click, and poof. No phone call.

I've thought up the ultimate ad "It's about the music. Not money. Not fame. Can you say the same? Hard working bass player/arranger assembling band. Influences: Radiohead, Zeppelin, etc. Must be able to juggle day job, having a life, and being in a band." but knowing what the process is, and how difficult it is, I've put off doing it.

Then there's also what might happen if I do do it. I'll be putting myself out there on a regular basis, struggling against a sea of criticism to keep things together and keep moving forward. I'm not even talking about press and fans, I'm talking about band mates. Ambition is a very difficult thing to keep up, and believing in yourself is incredibly hard. Getting others to believe in your, or want to put as much work into the process as you even harder.

I remember my last band. We'd rehearse for two hours, and if the studio was available, I'd want to rehearse for a third, but the rest of the band would want to go to the bar to drink. At every level of commitment there's a completely different attitude. I can't really explain it, from an artist's perspective, but I can explain it from an audience perspective. It's easy to tell the difference between a cheap, quickly made product and one that had a lot of work put into it. Michelangelo probably worked for hours every day on the Sistine Chapel. He also worked incredibly hard to get himself to the point where he could make that level of art. This relentless pursuit of perfection, the desire to create something that's the best that you can create. It's something I think most, if not all of us have, but it goes unanswered.

For me it shows up in an obsessive personality. Ever since I started working, I've been less and less able to get into something, to really enjoy the details. I've heard that both God and the Devil are in the details, and I believe both. Now, it's too easy for me to shut down and just sort of skim my way through life, not really paying attention to anything. Not getting deeply involved in anything. Such is life when there's nothing worth paying attention to.

Anyway, maybe I'll have to make some compromises to find this ultimate band, or whatever on Earth is closest to it. Whatever happens, wish me luck.

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page first created on Sunday, February 24, 2002

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